5 Steps to rebuild yourself after a breakup, failed relationship or a divorce!
Have you recently walked away from a long-term relationship or ended up filing a divorce in court? Or you just broke up with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Regardless of how painful or liberating it may feel, it certainly takes a toll on your personality and health. Yes, a breakup or divorce is harsh and drains you emotionally. While it is tough to acknowledge a relationship that is no longer working, it is harder to walk away. But before you decide either to jump on to the next phase in your life and land up in a rebound relationship or to bury yourself in the cocoon, it is important to rebuild yourself after a breakup, a failed relationship, or a divorce. I prefer to call this phase of contemplation, emotional recovery, healing, and rediscovery as the rebuilding phase. Let us delve more into how to rebuild yourself after a breakup or a failed relationship or a failed marriage or multiple failed marriages!
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It seems quite logical to jump on to a rebound relationship after you exit your long-term marriage in an attempt to comfort yourself and to find elements missing in your last emotional entanglement. For example, you dated someone logical but not much affectionate. So you decided to rebound with someone who is exactly the opposite and who fills up your deep emotional voids. But why rebound relationships fail more often than not? In a rebound, you feel that you are healing but that is not the truth. In reality, a rebound may just be a passing phase that you confuse with emotional healing. The real reasons for your rebound may be stemming from feelings of insecurity and jealousy. Or it may be originating from your need to bond again, to keep busy, and to avoid being lonely. It is also highly likely, that you are in a rebound, simply, to show it off to your ex. As time passes by, you start healing organically. You start to realize what went wrong, why it went wrong, and how you could have been more diligent in handling your past relationships and marriage. As things start to unravel, your rebound starts to fail. And here you are with another failed relationship in your kitty. Therefore, a rebuilding phase comes in handy and is an answer to all your problems. It not only helps you rebuild yourself after a breakup but also helps you avoid falling into the trap of finding quick fixes and failing again.
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There is often a lot of pain, suffering, and turmoil when you end your marriage or a long-term relationship. It may involve making up-side-down changes to your life like changing cities, career, and friends. Therefore, you should give some time to understand yourself, your past, your mistakes, and resolve your inner conflicts before making the next major move of your life. In short, you should invest in a rebuilding phase before moving ahead in your life after your breakup, a failed marriage, or a failed relationship to minimize your chances of failing again and to lead a more successful, fulfilling, and meaningful life. This means that you should rediscover, reinvent, refine & re-engineer yourself as you prepare to launch a strong, improvised, and self-actualized version of your personality. Time to rebuild yourself after a breakup or a toxic relationship.
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5 Steps to rebuild yourself after a breakup, a failed relationship, or a divorce?
Now you know that there is a better and a more fool-proof way of moving forward in your life after your breakup- a way that is more stable, rewarding, and potent, let us learn five steps to rebuild yourself after a breakup, divorce, or a failed relationship. Also see ‘ steps to rebuild yourself after a breakup or divorce infographics’.
1. Acknowledge
First you need to acknowledge and recognize that you need a break from life for rebuilding yourself. This means that there is no need to rush into a rebound relationship or to confine yourself in the cocoon. Rather, it means accepting your failed marriage, divorce, or breakup and focussing on yourself. It is the time for you to lick your wounds and heal, contemplate, and take as much time as you want to recreate yourself.
Important points to be noted in this stage are:
- Do not rush and let the rebuilding phases last as long as it needs to.
- Find a safe place like a city that is familiar or a location that is close to loved ones as you retreat to a rebuilding phase.
- Commit to yourself and rely on yourself. This is not a time to enter into another relationship or rebound. The purpose is to focus on you.
- Hold on to your career, your family, and your loved ones. They will be your support in times of distress.
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2. Contemplate
This is a phase when you should reflect on your life and your past relationships with your ex, with your friends, family, and even your relationships at the workplace. Every relationship which failed or succeeded will have a reason behind it. Try to look through the reasons, figure out why they failed or succeeded, and determine if there is a common pattern emerging out of them. You will be surprised to discover many important aspects of your personality unfolding. Once you determine such reasons, try to figure out how to break such a pattern. Also utilize this time to understand your emotions, your blind spots, and contemplate your mistakes.
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Important points to be noted in this stage are:
- Reflect on your past relationships and understand what was the major bone of contention (if any). Identify the causes of failed relationships like infidelity, expectations-mismatch, circumstantial events, ego, personality clashes, power games, emotional or physical abuse, etc. Determine if there is any factor that is common or predominant in all your failed relationships like for example, the need for control. And if some common theme emerges out, you have your answer. You need to tackle this first.
- Develop a daily habit of reflecting on your life and spend some quality me-time with yourself. Use this time to challenge yourself, question your self-limiting beliefs, and reaffirm your core values and beliefs.
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3. Recuperate
Now that you have analysed your life, the mistakes, and the common patterns, it is time to accept your mistakes, life choices, decisions, behaviour, and circumstances. Take this as an opportunity to improve yourself, remove your blind spots, work upon your shortcomings, and come to terms with yourself. This stage of recuperations also involves understanding your deep-rooted emotions, your insecurities, and undesirable behaviours. As you understand such aspects of your life, you are also working on your path to recovery as you learn from your old mistakes.
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Important points to be noted in this stage are:
- Identify your trusted support network like your friends, family, or mentor to help you navigate through your past life, events, and emotions as they help you remove your blind spots.
- Make time for family and indulge in self-care and self-love.
- Talk about your mistakes, weaknesses with your friends, or family and let them give their opinion. As you speak of your insecurities, mistakes, or troubled life with significant others, you also become more clear, confident, and sorted.
- If you have been wrong in your past relationships, reach out to the people, and seek their forgiveness regardless of their acknowledgment. It is time to let the guilt go.
- If you have been wronged by someone, forgive that person and move on. Do not hold any resentment.
- You can take recourse to spirituality, meditation, gratitude, and yoga. These are strong anchors and will help your wounds heal faster. You can also take journaling to help you make your recuperation journey easier.
- Take up your hobbies or passions and master your skill. The idea is to focus on the things you want and the things that make you happy.
- Overcome bitterness and embrace sweetness.
The idea is to evolve as a human being and become a good person with no resentment or guilt.
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4. Prepare
Now that you have started rebuilding yourself, it is time to prepare yourself for the coming future in terms of a new relationship, second marriage, or even companionship. At the end of the rebuilding phase you should be able to find your deal breakers in relationship based on your value system. You should use these filters in finding your long term prospects (second marriage, new partner or a companion).
It is also important to understand that life calls for making some compromises and sacrifices for the greater good of your relationship. Being able to hold on to someone you love, and someone who loves you is a matter of great pride and success. If you can sustain your relationship, in the long run, you will be regarded as someone caring, mature, and adaptable. The one who doesn’t adapt phases out, and ends up being replaced. The future belongs to those who are agile, bendable, and empathetic.
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If you are considering a second marriage, or a new long-term relationship, you should primarily base your decision for choosing a new partner by taking into consideration the factors which are the most important to you and are deal-breakers before anything else. All the other parameters are secondary and can be managed with open communication, patience, and simple life wisdom.
5. Launch
At the end of rebuilding phase, you are a sorted, confident, and mature individual. You have successfully navigated through your past life and emotions and have rebuilt yourself from scratch. As you set yourself on a path to self-actualization, you become more accepting, giving, and a beautiful human being. It is time to launch yourself with your best version. Just have trust & faith in yourself, and launch yourself with all the positivity and enjoy the beautiful life which is more meaningful, fulfilling, and happier.
Congratulations! You are liberated from the shackles of your life and the shadows of your past. This is a good enough reason to finally take up things that you always wanted to pursue. While some of you may want to write your story and publish a book, others may want to go ahead in life and remarry, or focus on their career, or go for higher studies. Some of you may also patch up with your ex and rebuild your life. Regardless of the decision you make, it should be transformational. It should make your life more meaningful, fulfilling, and better. Whatever you decide to do, you will approach your life with more conviction. The chances of your failure will be less and you will be sorted internally. It is the right time to channelize your energy in the right direction.
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Although divorce, failed relationships and breaking up leave deep scars, they are part and process of our emotional evolution. Therefore, do not let your past stop you from following your pursuits as you launch yourself with more conviction and come up stronger and clearer. As time unfolds, the unconnected dots will connect, and you will be able to rebuild yourself after a breakup or a failed relationship.
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We hope these five tips to rebuild yourself after a breakup, or a divorce, will make you stronger and help you navigate through the recovery period positively and help you come up stronger, determined, sorted, and prepared for an everlasting, fulfilling, and successful long-term relationship.
Originally published at https://theeasywisdom.com on January 16, 2021.
