Is My Husband Gay? What Do I Do Now? Signs of a Gay Husband!
I got married a couple of years back, but something seems offbeat in my marriage. Not to mention my sex life sucks. We hardly have sex, and whenever I go near him, he gets uncomfortable. Every time I try to initiate sex, he tries to escape it and finds some excuse. And then the world was locked down. I thought it was the best time to revive our relationship and explore each other sensually. But to no avail. I had this strange feeling that I cannot explain. There was a feeling of emptiness, lack of intimacy and connection since my first honeymoon trip to Seychelles. While other honeymooners were busy having sex, I was busy soaking in solitude and contemplation. The honeymoon went by, and we migrated to a normal course of life. But I never got the honeymoon period that I always longed for. My husband was always working late and spent most of his leisure time with his male friends. For him, I was only a responsibility. He did not have time for me or my issues. We were not only physically disconnected but also emotionally separated. I wondered what was wrong in my marriage and why I have to crave things that come naturally to other couples until I saw that my husband browsed gay porn websites on his mobile. I was shocked, I was confused, I was disgusted, I was speechless, and I was angry. It was the last nail in the coffin. Since then, I often wonder-is my husband gay? I want to confront him, but I am not sure if it will end my marriage? And before I face him, I want to be double sure on ‘is my husband is gay?’ And I want to be sure of the signs of a gay husband or boyfriend before taking a step ahead.
What? Are you insinuating that your husband is gay? A lot of women go through this phase of confusion and often wonder-is my husband gay or is my boyfriend gay? And no woman wants to discover that her partner is gay. As a matter of fact, it happens more frequently than you might think. Yes, the global closet is huge, and a large majority of LGBTQ people hide their sexuality. As per research, at least 5–10% of American men are gay. Many of the women carry this feeling all along since the commencement of their relationship or marriage. And to many of them, it comes as a surprise. But one this is common that this feeling can be devastating to relationships and become toxic to families, especially when children are concerned. Most women confront their partners, exit the marriage and feel relieved of the long, painful marriage. While others decide to adjust, sacrifice and compromise in marriage and stick to the so-called sacred bond of marriage, regardless of their partner’s sexual orientation. Their primary motivation is to keep their families functional, keep children happy, and their image in society intact.
But is it worth putting your mental health and emotional wellbeing at risk? It is a proven fact that sexual frustration can lead to depression. And how about your husband, who also wants to lead a happy and guilt-free life? Is such an approach justified? Is it worth overlooking your self-respect for the sake of your marriage? And is your husband ready to give up his sexuality for marriage sake? In all the probability, your husband is looking to break out. And if not now, later in life, he surely will. These are the questions all the women who discover that their husband is gay need to address before taking any call, especially in a mixed-orientation marriage.
And one thing is pretty sure. If you are at a stage where you are thinking about your man’s sexuality, it is most likely, that he is gay or bisexual. There is no smoke without fire. But hold on! Before you confirm your feelings that your boyfriend or husband is gay, confront them, and risk your marriage, it is better to look out for few signs of a gay husband. Is he or he is not? The only way to know the truth is to confront your husband head-on. And if he is leading a secret life and not being honest about his sexuality, it is best to find out now. So, let us drill it down.
Before we advise you on what to do next, you should know that it is okay sometimes to question such a thing. And more often than not, if you doubt your man, only because he is self-obsessed, spend much time on vanity, hangs out with men, and gets too emotional, then you are probably wrong. These things necessarily do not make your partner gay. So, first, unblock your mind and get over these overtly ridiculous conventions about gay men. So here are the signs that your husband is gay or your boyfriend is gay. And you are free to make your conclusions.
Is my husband gay? Few typical signs of a gay husband or gay boyfriend.
1. He is a homophobe
If your husband or partner displays unusual aggressive behaviour towards someone who is gay or queer, he may be gay himself. Indeed, people often lash out at those who embrace characteristics they do not like about themselves. If you find your husband exhibiting extreme homophobia, then it is an alarming sign. There could be a deep-rooted emotional issue concerning his sexuality that he never confronted and handled at the right time. Also, did you notice if your husband often cracks gay jokes and has distressing high rage towards LGBTTQQIAAP people and other homosexual men? If yes, then either he is genuinely opposed to homosexuality, or he is gay. But at least, let us consider this possibility.
2. He is not sexually into you
Does your husband often avoid getting intimate with you and lacks the desire to have sex with you? If yes, then answer this. Does he cuddle with you or sensually close to you? In all the probability, the answer is no. Also, ask if he is passionate in bed, or does he go down on you or makes you feel like a woman? Is he the one initiating sex, or are you the one doing it always? And are you sexually frustrated? So, if he is difficult to arouse or in a different mental zone during intimate moments, it could be either a medical problem or worst, he may be gay. And if he is gay, he is longing for having sex somewhere else.
3. His behaviour is inconsistent
If you find your partner or husband exhibiting extreme mood swings or inconsistency in his behaviour, and it seems to be part and parcel of your life, it is a thing to worry about. Gay men often marry or get committed to women under societal pressure and because they are still struggling with their sexual identity. The reasons could be many. The man in question has to go through a lot. He may go through various feelings of self-conflict, inner turmoil, dilemma, guilt, shame, repentance and fear. One day he may feel happy to have a beautiful life, a loving wife or girlfriend and beautiful children, while on other days, he may feel low, experience unexplained sexual urges for other men and may feel lonely. When he is happy and guilt-laden, he takes care of his wife and family, goes for an outing, surprises his wife with dinner. And at other times, he is rude, and his absence is unexplained. He is always busy partying with his male friends or is on unexpected business trips and is extra sensitive about his mobile phone. His behaviour is really inconsistent, and you cannot predict his behaviour. Moreover, if you sense that he is hiding something and is not interested in you, he is gay.
4. He watches gay porn
If you find out that your husband has been watching gay porn, or reading on issues related to homosexuality, or have been talking to other gay men, then it is not just curiosity. His digital trail speaks a lot about his sexuality.
5. He has an endless list of new male friends
Is your husband always getting calls from other men you do not know? Or do you wonder why his list of male friends is ever increasing, with new men coming in and some men disappearing out of a sudden? And he does not freely talk about them. If they are the men you do not know, and he keeps meeting them often sans you, be concerned.
6. He loves spending time with one man
Men typically do not hang out in a one to one setting. They prefer to hand out in groups, have a beer, play sports, and chill. If you man is spending too much alone time with one man and he seems to be very fond of him, it could be a sign that he is gay. If you sense that his intimacy with the other man is not right, or that intimacy is what you deserved, then trust your instinct.
7. He checks out other men
It is perfectly fine to check other people out. But when you see your partner often checking out other hot men and immediately realise that something is not right in your partner’s eyes, it is a matter of concern. If you sense lust, attraction or a different vibe when you see him ogling at other men, then it is time to trust your intuition.
Another thing to worry about is that he does not acknowledge the hottest woman, as she passed by. While it is a matter of pride when your man does not check other women out, not acknowledging even the sexiest one is a little bit odd. Come on, every man checks out the hot chicks. And if you feel a little odd about this, it is not his loyalty to be proud of, but his sexuality to be worried about.
8. He is self-obsessed and full of unexplained vanity
It is good to practice self-love, and vanity is fair. Men now spend a lot of time grooming themselves, hit the gym, and take care of their skin. Nothing wrong with that, But if your man is extra with his fetish for vanity, obsessed with the way he looks, spends a lot of time in the gym, and is too much concerned with his physique, skin, and hairstyle, that seems odd to you, then again, trust your instinct.
One more thing to notice here is that all men and women shave their private parts. If you discover that your husband shaves his butt hole, keeps it clean all the time, and you find it weird, especially he does not even let you touch him, it is a clear indication that he is gay. He is actually grooming himself for other men.
My husband is gay what do I do now?
Okay, so the next question is that my husband is gay what do I do now? Now that you know the signs of a gay husband, if you see these things knocking your home, do not be frightened to talk to him. The best strategy is to talk to your partner and confront him. But a word of caution is to be thoughtful and empathetic towards how you approach your partner. If confronted bluntly, he will deny or become defensive. Your husband may be in denial about his sexuality. Or at worst, if he is not gay, he can feel offended and even turn hostile.
Recommended for you: 5 Steps To Rebuild Yourself After A Divorce or A breakup!
Here are few tips to reclaim your life back:
1. Collect the evidence and substantiate your claims
Yes, I understand you suspect your husband to be gay, but it is a big question to pose to your partner. So before you take a step ahead, think of it again, revaluated all the signs of a gay husband, and collect the pieces of evidence. When confronted, your partner may either deny being gay or accept it right away. And what if he denies and you know the truth? In such a condition substantiating your claims with the pieces of evidence will come handy.
2. Talk to your husband head-on: converse and not confront!
Instead of worrying and getting tense, you should act like an adult and strike a conversation with your partner. Do not confront him and try to understand what is going on in his life. Tell him that you suspect such a thing, ask him to open up and share his innermost feelings. But before you converse, prepare yourself with the reality and the possible outcomes. He may bluntly accept his sexuality or he may deny it. If he accepts his sexuality, well and good. And in case he denies, you have enough proof to substantiate your claims, right! Tell him that you know the truth and that you will appreciate honesty.
3. Understand his side of the story
Since you have invested a lot of time and energy in this marriage, try to respect it and show some sympathy. Do not guilt-trip him or play a blame game because the damage has already been caused. There is no denying the fact that you are heartbroken, feel cheated and are full of resentment. But give him a chance to share his story, his struggles and his dilemmas in life. It is a proven fact that many gay men do not come out due to guilt, shame, and societal pressures. Life is tough for gay people, and they often feel alone, marginalised, and ignored. Most gay men have been a victim of bullying at some point in their lives. In a society like ours, being a member of LGBTQQIAAPP is still taboo and looked down upon. Gay men often marry women due to societal pressure. They often take this step under a false pretence that they will change with time. Therefore, you need to extend your support and show empathy. If you connect to him at this level, understand him and make him comfortable enough to open up in front of you, he will accept his sexuality. Or else he will keep lying about it, and your relationship will become more bitter and brittle. It is better to end up your marriage as friends rather than as enemies.
4. Plan your future
By now, you are pretty sure that your husband is gay, whether he accepts it or not, and whether you find it fair or unfair. Regardless, you know the truth, and one thing is clear that you are discontent in your marriage. So it is time to put yourself first and plan your future. And the sooner you exit, the better it is.
There are two options, convince him or convince yourself. In the former case, you cannot convince your partner to become straight. It is the way he is born. He does not have a choice to change his sexual orientation. Many women live in a pretext that it is a phase or sexual preference, but it is not true. If your husband is gay, he was like that, and he will be like that. The way you cannot change your orientation, your partner cannot too. So, there is no point in living a life with false hope. It is better to face reality and accept it. Let us take a scenario where he accepts that he is gay, and he is ready to sacrifice his gay life for the cause of family, you and the children. But it does not happen this way. He will eventually break out later in life, and then it will be too late. No one can live a life full of sacrifices and compromises. So why risk upcoming years, and live your life with insecurity?
So, it is better to convince yourself and take a stand. And the best way is to plan a peaceful exit and restart your life. You should take this with a pinch of salt, gather the determination to accept that sometimes shit happens and that it is time to get unstuck, move on and recreate yourself. You should regain your perspective and look at the positive side of life. Make a sound plan to rebuild yourself after you exit your marriage.
Take this Quiz: Are you stuck in the past? Change the Script and be the hero.
Nevertheless, I am sure this experience can be devastating, and it is important to understand that this situation you are in is nobody’s fault. It is quite okay to feel upset, resentful and angry. But it is also important to understand that your partner is also in pain and emotional distress. He did not choose his sexuality nor did he choose to be attracted to people of the same gender. So do not fire your homophobic backlash on him. Rather, focus on your own betterment. You may choose to speak to a marriage counsellor or a psychologist and smoothen out the process of separation. If your husband is not opening up to you directly, the chances are that he will be more comfortable opening up about his sexuality, his pains and his journey in front of the counsellor.
The first year will apparently be the toughest, and ending your marriage will be the most difficult decision of your life. While some couples compromise and stay married, others part their marriage. Although moving on and letting go will consume you and take some time, it will eventually liberate you. So be a better person, forgive and forget the past, reclaim your happiness and recreate your life story.
PS: Before you log off, do not forget to check out our YouTube Channel for some inspiring and life-changing videos.
This story was originally published on www.theeasywisdom.com.
