Stop Putting Others First! Why Putting Yourself Before Others is not Selfish (6 Mins Read)
Most of the time we spend our lives making others happy and putting their needs first. We may even overlook our own happiness to please others in the process. But is this a correct approach towards life? Putting others before yourself, by sacrificing your own happiness, needs & wants is justified? To me, this is an unwanted formality, which stems from the idea of pleasing others. Though sometimes, it is advisable to put others first in the larger perspective, if you often find yourself in the habit of practicing it as a daily chore, you definitely need a serious overhaul. It is high time to put yourself before others for the sake of your own happiness. And yes, it is not an act of being selfish!
“I finally learned to stop setting myself on fire to keep others warm”
Also Read: Happiness is a choice, choose to be Happy — 11 ways to choose happiness today!
Why do we put others first (or why do we put ourselves last)?
Many of us struggle with the idea of putting ourselves first. We were raised to believe that we should always put others first and ignore our own desires. Attending to your needs and desires somehow is not taken in a positive light and considered an act of selfishness, self-centeredness & arrogance.
More often than not we find ourselves attending to the needs of others invariably. There could be many reasons behind this:
- 1. Childhood conditioning and observing people in our family & social circles putting others needs first.
- 2. Taking it as a moral responsibility and social obligation to help others at the expense of your own happiness.
- 3. The notion that somebody else’s happiness is more important than our own happiness.
- 4. The idea of making others happy actually makes us happy.
- 5. The tendency to please others.
- 6. Finding it tough to deny help or say ‘no’ and succumbing to indirect pressure.
- 7. The uncomfortable feeling of being considered as selfish or self-centered, if you will put yourself first.
How putting yourself before others makes you eternally happy? Choose yourself before you choose others!
“Happiness is what you think, what you say, and what you do, are in harmony”
We all want to be happy, obviously! We also may project to the outer world that we are happy. But internally our words are not in conformity with our own thoughts. The basic reason behind this duality is that we are leading a life to please others. We often feel that we are unable to make ourselves happy, because we are always putting others first and that too at the cost of our time, desires and needs. This not only sucks us dry, but also impedes our progress in life, leaving us unhappy in the end.
If you are routinely putting your friends, significant others, and family members above yourself as a habit, you are continually draining your energy and stripping yourself off your own inner peace. Keeping others before ‘me’, becomes a habit which we do not even realize. We may even continue to live like this for years, only to realise one day — ‘Oh! what a wasteful thing I had been doing by pleasing others. Despite my all efforts people are still angry, dissatisfied and complaining, they are still not happy with me, no matter what I do. I have given my happiness, needs & time but to no avail’. Déjà vu!
This comes as a sudden eye opener. As while doing so, you sacrificed many things and on top of that, most of your efforts went unrecognised! Do not wait for this reality check, pull up your socks and invest in yourself before others drain off your reserves.
Life is all about trade off. Decide, for yourself what you want in life-to make yourself happy and attain peace or to please others and make them happy? While you may want to keep only your coterie happy by being attentive to their needs first, it cannot be extended to everyone. This certainly doesn’t mean you should kick everyone out and only work towards your own pursuits, but it does mean that you should spend more time thinking about your own goals, desires, and needs before anything else.
Yes, significant others in your social circles will be affected as erstwhile benefits of time, emotions, & presence is no more easily available. Some of them may even ‘society-guilt’ you and may make you feel bad about the change. Your act of putting yourself before others may even become blasphemous, but only for those people who themselves are selfish and self-centred in the first place. While some of them, who genuinely love you, will definitely understand and support you.
5 Reasons why putting yourself before others is not selfish?
With my own life experiences, I realized that only if I am happy, I can make others happy. My happy state of mind is a precursor to my ability to make others happy. And therefore, my focus should be on ‘Me’ first. Also see ‘Putting Yourself Before Others Infographics’
Here are five reasons why putting yourself before others is not selfish:
1. Putting yourself first before others doesn’t mean any malicious intent
What do we fear the most? Being called a bad person? However, being a bad person is a notion associated with someone with malicious intent. Self-love, self-care and spending time in pursuing your interests, hobbies, and choices, no way means a bad intention towards anyone. It rather means a positive engagement with one’s own self.
2. Pleasing yourself doesn’t mean displeasing others
When you put yourself before others, it is an effort directed towards yourself rather than being directed against someone else. It means you take care of yourself first. You respect your emotions and life and are working towards reaching a content state of mind. It is simply choosing yourself, before choosing others. This means you are less irritated, less pressed on time, less complaining & more in a positive frame of mind.
3. You have to save yourself before you save others
“Put your oxygen mask first, before you help others”
You must have heard this security in-cabin announcement while travelling in an airplane before the take-off. This statement applies to every aspect of your life as well and may mean- be healthy, be happy, be financially stable, be cultured, be strong, be knowledgeable, be at peace, be calm, be content.
Also Read: Holistic Health and Wellness — Holistic Approach to Health
To help others financially, you need to be financially stable. To impart happiness to others, you should be happy, calm and content yourself. To impart peace, you have to find your own peace first. To help others, first be physically and mentally healthy. In other words, just like a beggar who can’t lend money to others, you can’t lend anything to anyone before you own it.
Hence, to attain peace, happiness, knowledge, financial stability, you need to spend considerable time with yourself first rather than being vulnerable to the needs of others. So it is a good idea to always put yourself first.
4. You have to take care of yourself eventually
In life, if you do not find time and take care of yourself who else will? You wasted so many years, pleasing others and ran dry catering to people’s demands, and are now too tired to pursue it anymore. As the famous saying goes ‘God helps those who help themselves’. No one will help you; you have to help yourself, and achieve your own state of nirvana and equilibrium.
5. Nobody can change the world, but people can change themselves
You put others first and attend to their needs. But does this help them grow as a person? Is your ubiquitous presence a habit to them or one-time engagement? If you put others first occasionally and see them grow, it’s a positive sign. But if it’s a habit, then it’s time to hold back and understand that nobody can change the world, but everyone can change themselves. No matter how hard you try to put others first, people need to help themselves and be a driver of their own life.
Many times, you may consider what others want you to do. But this consideration should not become your habit. Pleasing others should not mean displeasing yourself. Whenever your mind and heart are in conflict, listen to your heart, because the mind has racy thoughts & thinks logically. Follow your heart which represents your instinct. Trust me, at the end of the day you will be proud of yourself that you gave much needed importance to your choices and emotions by putting yourself before others.
Loving yourself does not mean that you don’t love others. You should be the most important person in your life. So, go ahead, love yourself, learn to say no, choose happiness & put yourself first.
Also read: Demystifying Health and Wellness
“You owe yourself the love you freely give others”
Originally published at https://theeasywisdom.com on August 14, 2020.
